Age: Typically, raccoons live only about two to three years in the wild because of disease, lack of food, predation, human intervention etc. In captivity, they can live considerably longer.
Fascinating. But presumably we’re not talking about raccoons – the North American mammal, member of the Procyonidae family – in general, but some specific and more newsworthy raccoons? Very specific and very newsworthy. We’re talking about the press-attacking raccoons of the White House.
No way. Go on, what happened? Four of them went for reporters and a photographer, grabbing their clothes as they went about their business on the north lawn.
Another sinister and disgusting attack against the press in the land of the so-called free! You could say. “Strong Pawnee vibes at White House this morning, as a raccoon attacked multiple news crews,” tweeted Paul Reid, the White House correspondent for CBS News. He added that the animals had “allegedly” grabbed a photographer’s trouser leg and had to be “fended off”.
Good thing he said “allegedly” – raccoons are notoriously litigious. Pawnee? The fictional raccoon-infested Indiana town in Greg Daniels’ and Michael Schur’s satirical TV sitcom Parks and Recreation.
Of course. But this is real, clearly political and underhand. They have obviously been trained to make sure the press can’t ask Trump any difficult questions – by any means. Allegedly. Obviously, that has been suggested, many times, amusingly, on the usual platforms. If everything else fails, release the raccoons!
Was Fox there? No, just the four raccoons.
No, silly. Fox News, the conservative, Trump-friendly cable news channel. Oh, I see … Hmm, no, there’s no mention of them being there at the time, actually.
See! Nothing suspicious about that. It’s clearly a plot. Send them in when they’re not there. Destroy! It’s rare for raccoons to attack humans. But they are known for their intelligence, their ability to learn and to remember tasks.
But they’re not noted for their right-of-centre political leanings, are they? Who knows? Maybe they’ve been brainwashed and seeing a journalist scribbling down notes is enough to send them into a frenzy.
Stop it! Do raccoons even pay income tax? That’s not public information, but probably more than Trump does.
Do say: “Did you know that in the 1920s Calvin Coolidge and his family kept a pet raccoon called Rebecca at the White House?”
Don’t say: “Person, woman, raccoon, cameraman, TV crew: Biden, get ’em!”